By Kim Burke
Ah, summer. A time for taking the
family to the park, or the lake, for a quality time
picnic gathering. As an adventurer of the great
outdoors, its my duty to enlighten you as to what
mishaps may occur so that you can avoid them at all
cost.
On a family picnic, don't bring
the nuts. You brought Uncle Ed and Aunt Dottie? What
were you thinking? Are you into compassion or is it
really the joy of upcoming disaster that you crave?
When Uncle Ed reeks of whiskey, do not allow him to
satisfy his urge to teach the young ones to swim.
Throwing them into the lake over and over again and
shouting, "Survive!" will capsize your children into
shrieking violets in less than five minutes. Bring
Aunt Dottie her own chair. You know what happened
last year when she sat down at the picnic table!
Even the ants ran away.
Keep this in mind. If you have
children and you do indeed take them along on the
picnic or any other outing for that matter, do not
have drummed up fantasies of the whole family being
together and everything being wonderful. You stupid
idiot! Children begin every sentence with, "I
want..." If you think everything will go smoothly
and peacefully, you are out of your ever-loving mind
and should be committed!
When lunch is ready, the kids want
to swim. When you want to rest, the kids want to
eat. For the entire day consider yourself the
bringer of fun. Remember your visions of being the
best parent in the world? Here is your golden
opportunity and there aren't any options. Your job
is to unpack, set out, prepare, pop and pour, watch,
scamper, yell, run, scream, clap your hands in
warning, count 1, 2, 3, holler, spray insect
repellent, apply sunscreen, recover lost items,
fly-swat, deep dive for a one-dollar Wal-Mart
necklace, clean, pack up, tote and listen to the
kids bitch and moan when it's time to leave.
The men are unavailable to help as
they have momentarily reverted back to their own
childhood ways. The words they utter will be, "Huh"
and "Relax" while listening to the baseball game on
FM radio or playing a game of catch.
As for the men and their games,
try not to lose your balls in the lake!
Is it worth it? If you bring your
own parents along, yes. Then you are, in fact, doing
a good deed. Your parents will get more joy watching
you lose your mind in one afternoon than they had
the entire time they raised you. They will offer an
occasional, "Need some help, dear?" You are to
answer, "No thank you" as they snuggle deep into
their lounge chairs with protective sun umbrellas
and books in hand. The reward of justice has shone
down from the sky and they can spend the rest of
their lives in utter joy and satisfaction.
When you get home, after you
unpack and are ready to relax, the first words you
will hear as you fall into the recliner are, "Mom,
I'm bored."
It's enough to make any kid these
days take a vow of celibacy.
AUTHOR: Incidents & Accidents, already a hit in
print and online, offers frazzled insights and
humorous observations pertaining to women and the
lives we lead. Stress-addled women rejoice - Kim
Burke is here to help you laugh it off! kimburke@incidentsandaccidents.com
http://www.incidentsandaccidents.com |
