By B. Ellis
I don't know about other teens,
but my daughter's favorite quote is "but that's not
fair." I have listened to this for almost 3 years
now, about the same time her first zit appeared. But
she has perfected this look of such eye-popping
incredulity to go along with the phrase that I
almost agree with her whiney statement. So I made
this list for her -- A Mom's List of Things That
Aren't Fair. If and when she can top any of these
truths, I'll clean the hell-hole she calls a room
... every day ... WITHOUT rubber gloves ... I swear.
* You tell me 60% of all teenagers
have their own phone line? How's this for
statistics? Your OB/GYN tells you "The Pill is
99.99% effective. Congratulations, Mrs. Ellis, you
fall in the .01% category."
* Just as Oxy-10 does not zap that
zit overnight, Nature's Own Vitamin E does not
prevent stretch marks.
* A 43-week pregnancy ... NOT 40
weeks like all my friends ... 43.
* You waited how long for your
sister to get out of the bathroom? How about a
nine-month-long wait for a margarita and the sound
of a zipper.
* Enemas ... 'nuff said.
* I forgot to pick up Pamprin for
your cramps? Try 27 hours and 23 minutes of labor
* You're bored because you can't
play basketball with an ingrown toenail? Be
inventive, like me, during Transition Labor:
~22nd hour - Buzzing the nurses'
station and recording response times
~23rd hour - Telling the doctor what he could do
with his friggen ice chips.
~24th hour - Dictating to the candy striper my new
Last Will and Testament, disenheriting all family
~25th hour - Losing a heated debate with the doctor
that morphine was most definitely made for moments
~26th hour - Blaming your pro-choice grandmother for
giving birth to me.
~27th - Slapping a labor nurse because your father
was out of my reach.
Now, what did you say wasn't fair?
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Just another
mom in a sea of Clearasiled faces. http://www.zoomnet.net/~bellis/theellis/index.html