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By B. Ellis
I don't know about other teens, but my daughter's favorite quote is "but that's not fair." I have listened to this for almost 3 years now, about the same time her first zit appeared. But she has perfected this look of such eye-popping incredulity to go along with the phrase that I almost agree with her whiney statement. So I made this list for her -- A Mom's List of Things That Aren't Fair. If and when she can top any of these truths, I'll clean the hell-hole she calls a room ... every day ... WITHOUT rubber gloves ... I swear. * You tell me 60% of all teenagers have their own phone line? How's this for statistics? Your OB/GYN tells you "The Pill is 99.99% effective. Congratulations, Mrs. Ellis, you fall in the .01% category." * Just as Oxy-10 does not zap that zit overnight, Nature's Own Vitamin E does not prevent stretch marks. * A 43-week pregnancy ... NOT 40 weeks like all my friends ... 43. * You waited how long for your sister to get out of the bathroom? How about a nine-month-long wait for a margarita and the sound of a zipper. * Enemas ... 'nuff said. * I forgot to pick up Pamprin for your cramps? Try 27 hours and 23 minutes of labor ... unmedicated. * You're bored because you can't play basketball with an ingrown toenail? Be inventive, like me, during Transition Labor: ~22nd hour - Buzzing the nurses' station and recording response times
~23rd hour - Telling the doctor what he could do with his friggen ice chips.
~24th hour - Dictating to the candy striper my new Last Will and Testament, disenheriting all family members present.
~25th hour - Losing a heated debate with the doctor that morphine was most definitely made for moments like these.
~26th hour - Blaming your pro-choice grandmother for giving birth to me.
~27th - Slapping a labor nurse because your father was out of my reach. Now, what did you say wasn't fair?
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Just another mom in a sea of Clearasiled faces. http://www.zoomnet.net/~bellis/theellis/index.html | 
