 Two peanuts were walking down
a spooky road at night... One was assaulted.
What do you call a fly with no
wings? A walk.
Two ropes walk into a bar. The
bartender says to the rope "Hey! we don't serve
ropes in here" so one of the ropes left. The other
rope frayed up his hair and tied himself in a knot.
The bartender said to the rope "Are you a rope?" and
the rope said " I'm afraid not"
Why was the Tomato blushing?
Because he saw the salad dressing.
A frog is looking for a loan, so
he goes into a bank. He sits down at a desk and the
name plate says "Patty Whac". He talks to Patty
about the loan and she asks him what he has for
collateral. The frog replies well I have this vase.
He pulls the vase out of a bag to show her. Patty
says "well thats just a cheap knick-knack". Then the
owner notices the vase and says to himself "gee
that's from the 17th century, it's worth tons of
money" So he walks over to patty and says "Thats no
knick-knake Patty Whac give the frog a loan".
A termite walks into a barroom and
asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
How do you catch a squirrel? Climb
into a tree and act like a nut.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the
road? Because he didn't have the guts to do it.
Why didn't the chicken cross the
road? Because he was too chicken.
What do John the Baptist & Winnie
the Pooh have in common? Their middle name.
Why are there so many Smiths in
the phone book? They all have phones.
What lies at the bottom of the
ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck!
Why don't cannibals eat comedians?
Because they taste funny.
"Waiter! This coffee tastes like
mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
U Neaq up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, you neaq up on it.
Why do they put bells on cows?
Because their horns don't work!
Two sausages are in a pan. One
looks at the other and says "Gee, it's hot in here."
and the other sausage says "OH MY GOODNESS IT'S A
TALKING SAUSAGE!"
What do you call a sleepwalking
nun? Roamin' Catholic.
There are three kinds of people in
the world. Those who can count. And those who
can't.
What did the apple say to the
orange? Nothing stupid, apples don't talk.
A pizza walks into a bar and the
barman says sorry we don't serve food in here.
What is the last thing that goes
through a bug's mind as it hits a windshield? His
butt.
A farmer is milking his cow. As he
is milking, a fly comes along and flies into the
cows ear. A little bit later, the farmer notices the
fly in the milk. The farmer looks up and says, "Hmph.
In one ear, out the utter."
What do you call a boomerang that
doesn't work? A stick.
What do you get when you put a
canary in a blender? Shredded tweet
Why can't a chicken coop have more
than 2 doors? Because if it had 4 doors it would be
a chicken sedan.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
If they flew over the bay then they would be bagels.
What do you call a missing parrot?
A polygon.~Steve Hagstrom~
What's the difference between a
mosquito and a fly? A mosquito can fly, but a fly
can't mosquito.
How do you kill a blue elephant?
Shoot it with a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a
pink elephant? Choke it until it turns blue, then
shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
How many Psychiatrists does it
take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but the
lightbulb has to really want to change.
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