Having a baby is no picnic for dads. The dad has to deal with indifferent doctors, hostile nurses, and an alternately homicidal and terrified wife. All this must be faced without the type of helpful drugs that are so freely being pumped into the mom. It's time the pharmaceutical industry addressed this inequity. I have included a few suggestions.

IGNOREX
Most men who have not been to war are unprepared for the blood and gore of childbirth. Guys go into the delivery room thinking that a beautiful Gerber, baby is going to suddenly pop out of their wife, the same way a gumball rolls out of the machine at the grocery store. If the gumballs came halfway out, all slimy and bloody, and you had to pull them out the rest of the way with giant salad tongs, very few people would be inserting that first nickel.

This is the basic situation faced by the dad. Naturally, drugs would help. That's where Ignorex comes in. Ignorex relaxes the dad's muscles and mind to the point that nothing can faze him. My uncle Mike, who is no novice to childbirth (he is the father of 11 children), once nearly passed out because he did not have access to Ignorex. Fortunately, an alert nurse noticed him before he hit the floor, and yelled out, "We're losing the dad!"

ABUZOL
Women are basically kind creatures. But like many wounded animals, they will sometimes lash out at any convenient target, both physically and verbally. Most men know enough to stand at least an arms length away during delivery, but that doesn't help with the verbal abuse. Abuzol goes directly to the man's abuse receptors and chemically incapacitates them for up to four hours. This allows the dad to take anything the angry mom can dish out.

Mom: "This is all your fault! I'm going to strangle you with the umbilical cord!"

Dad: "That's nice, dear. I love you too."

Mom: "Did you hear me, you moron! You're a dead man!! A DEAD MAN!!!"

Dad: "You sure look beautiful when you're threatening to kill me."

STUPIDAN
Dad's are sometimes their own worst enemies during childbirth, because they say insensitive and downright stupid things. About five minutes before their daughter was born, my friend Kevin asked his wife, "It doesn't really hurt that much, does it?" Of course, his wife immediately took his hand, stuck his finger in her mouth, and gave him a scar he still carries to this day. This whole tragedy could have been avoided if Kevin had been administered Stupidan when he entered the hospital.

Stupidan is an inhalant that enters the man's brain and goes directly to the speech center. It works as a sort of stupidity inhibitor. Anytime the man forms the impulse to say something stupid (in other words, most of the time), Stupidan would block that impulse and cause him to say something like, "Gee, you look beautiful" or "I love you more at this moment than at any other time." Actually, most men would do well to develop an addiction to Stupidan.

Unfortunately, it's too late for me. But I certainly hope, for my son's sake, that the pharmaceutical companies will develop these valuable new drugs.

Brad Phillips welcomes any comments or stories from his readers. Email the author.