By this, I don't mean a guy should necessarily do a victory dance around the house after a particularly splendid evening of romance with the missus (although I'd like to think there are certain occasions when such an action could be justified).

No, instead, what I think we need is professional refereeing in the household. Not the actual professionals themselves, understand. But we parents could benefit from being trained in how to administer penalties when our offspring misbehave or are blatantly bad little hissy-fit throwers.

For instance, let's say two sisters are in the bathroom arguing about a curling iron. I'm not saying it happens in our house. I'm just saying hypothetically. I think the scene should be handled much the same as it would be if it happened on a football field.

"I wanna wear it," the infraction begins.

"It's not yours, I need to wear it today."

"You're so unfair. You never let me borrow anything of yours."

"THAT'S BECAUSE YOU NEVER RETURN MY THINGS WHEN YOU'RE FINISHED WITH THEM!!"

About that time, I would run down the hall blowing a whistle and my hands would be flapping over my head. When I reach the bathroom, I throw a little yellow flag and penalize both of the girls for offsetting unsportsmanlike conduct violations.

As I see it, the only problem in this scenario is it would be difficult, and fruitless really, to penalize the warring siblings 15 yards.

Or how about this ...

Let's say The Boy is particularly grumpy one day because he runs out of snackies. He looks through the pantry and can find nothing that contains dunes of sugar or mountains of MSG. It is the end of the week, and a trip to the grocery store is still a good 18 hours away.

Knowing this, The Boy's grumpiness continues and he starts back talking. <continued below>

Wouldn't it be great if a parent could get right in his child's face and converse with him the same way an umpire does with a baseball player? (Most ball players act like 5-year-olds who have run out of Ding Dongs anyway).

"Go to bed right now," I would insist.

"I don't wanna!" The Boy says back.

"That's too bad, you're gonna," I tell him.

"I don't wanna, and you can't make me," he says as he swings a foot out of anger in no general direction. 

"That's it, buddy, you crossed the line. YOU'RE OUTTA HERE! HIT THE SHOWERS AND GO TO BED!"

(Turn that around for a minute: Maybe we can solve baseball's attitude problems if all ball players were sent to bed for arguing balls and
strikes.)

And what of teenagers and their behavior?

That's when you haul out the big hook: basketball referee punishment.

Let's say your 14-year-old wants to go to a party and you won't let her because she didn't get her room cleaned and her homework done.

"Sorry," you tell your kid (though you really aren't).

"But Dad! I never get to do anything! You don't know how it feels to be 14! Life's not fair! I wanna be with my friends! It's not fair! I always have to stay home! It's just not fair!"

"WOULD YOU QUIT WITH THE EXCLAMATION POINTS ALREADY?"

"Then would you please quit talking to me in all caps!!"

About that moment, I'd love to be wearing a black and white striped shirt, some spandex black pants and have a whistle in my mouth. I'd leave the room in the middle of the argument right as she utters the phrase, "It's so unfair!" for something like the 300th time. Then, suddenly, I would run back down the hall, back into her bedroom and "T" her up. Errant teenage behavior often warrants a technical.

I tell her if she gets a double technical, we watch golf on TV.

"Dad, no, anything but that. It's boring. I'd rather stand in a corner during lunchtime at school."

"Nope, golf it is," I say. "There are no fouls in golf. There is no misbehavior in golf. Everyone who plays golf is calm. Life is perfect and everyone behaves with dignity and aplomb."

"THAT'S SO UNFAIR! YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO ME!! YOU JUST CAN'T."

"Uh-oh, sweetie! You have just done the teenage equivalent of hitting your tee-shot behind a tree. Now, where's that remote?"

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