A few years ago, I was trying to help my young son understand the purpose of Memorial Day. "It’s the day when we remember our friends and relatives who have died," I explained. He looked puzzled.
 

"So does that mean," he asked slowly, "that I don’t get anything?"

"Not unless you’re willing to die for it," I answered.

To kids (and Toys R Us marketing executives), all holidays fall into three broad categories:
-Holidays where kids get stuff.
-Holidays where kids don’t get stuff.
-Holidays where kids might get stuff if they whined and begged. (Actually, every day falls into this category.)

Believe me, if kids and Toys R Us decided to pool their resources, they could turn Earth Day or Arbor Day or even Jimmy Carter’s birthday into a spectacle of marketing and commercialism that would make Santa Claus blush. Fortunately, that hasn’t happened yet with Memorial Day. I bought my son a Happy Meal, and he was satisfied.

Sadly, the Toys R Us people were not satisfied. No doubt, over time, they plan to eliminate the so-called "non-toy" holidays and replace them with celebrations more in tune with their profit margins. After all, Martin Luther King, Abraham Lincoln, and Columbus were all great guys but they don’t move a lot of toys.

Revised Toy R Us Holidays
January 1st - New Toy Day (replaces New Years Day)
January 21st - Batman’s Birthday (replaces Martin Luther King’s birthday)
February 3-9 - National Lego Awareness Week (replaces Black History Month)
February 14 - Pepe’ le Pew Day (replaces Valentine’s Day)
February 17 - Superhero Day (replaces Presidents Day)
February 18 - Supervillain Day (new equal opportunity holiday)
March 22 - Buy A New Outfit for Barbie Day
March 23 - Buy Another Outfit for Barbie Because the Last One Made Her Butt Look Too Big Day
May 13 - Children’s Day (replaces Mother’s Day)
May 30 - $10 Plastic Action Figure Day
May 31 - Toy Memorial Day (for broken $10 plastic action figures)
June 17 - Grandchildren’s Day (replaces Father’s Day)
June 25 - Halfway to Christmas Day
July 19 - Give Your Children $20 And Drop Them Off At The Mall Day
August 3 - New Cartoon Video Day
September 14 - Pokemon Day
October 12 - Superman’s Birthday (replaces Columbus Day)
November 1 - Halloween 2 (the sequel)
November 23 - Walt Disney Day (replaces Thanksgiving)
December 26 - Take Your Clothes Back For A Refund And Buy Toys Day

Brad Phillips welcomes any comments or stories from his readers. Email the author.