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Teaching Sons To Date
Anonymous writes "I guess I
should’ve figured something like this would happen one
day. My son Will, who has just turned sixteen, is now
dating...
I guess I should’ve figured something like this would
happen one day. My son Will, who has just turned sixteen,
is now dating, and was out on one this past Saturday
night. I happened to be sitting in the den watching one of
those high speed cop chase TV shows when he returned home
from said date.
He walked in, nodded, and then looked at me somewhat
seriously and said,“Dad, I need to ask you something.
Tonight I took Candi to the movies, and I even let her
pick out the movie. I bought our tickets and I even bought
her some refreshments before we went into the theatre,
even though I’ll be broke for the next two weeks.
I did all that, and then when we sat down in our seats she
looked over at me and asked if I liked her blouse? Dad,
between us, it was this weird sort of orange looking deal,
in fact, it looked just like someone had rubbed red clay
all over it. I thought I’d at least be polite, so I told
her that I liked it okay. She looked at me and said, “Just
okay?” I agreed again that I liked it okay.
Dad, she didn’t hardly even speak to me for the rest of
the evening.” After a moment of meditative silence, Will
asked, “Dad, do you understand women? What should I have
done instead?”
God.
I cleared my throat for a good twenty seconds, stalled for
some more time by picking a little lint off my socks, and
then told Will that women were God’s greatest creation and
that we should love, honor, and respect each and every one
of them. I then added that a ton of great things like
inventions and medical cures have come from women. I even
went on to remind him that his mother was a woman, and we
all know how guys feel about their mothers.
But, even after all that, I broke down and confessed the
following to Will, “Son, I will never understand women.
You will never understand women. Albert Einstein didn’t
understand women. Hell, even Ed Jr. doesn’t even
understand women!” We both paused at that point because we
realized that this was as about as high up as we could go.
I thought for a bit, then said, “Son, we’ll never
understand women, but I can help you out with your second
question about what you should have done instead.”
Will listened as I continued, “Son, the first mistake you
made was even commenting on her clothes in the first
place. Never tell a woman what you really think about her
clothes. If she covers her body from head to toe in burlap
bags and ties a snake around her waist, tell her that it’s
the most stylish outfit that you’ve ever seen. And leave
it at that. Talking to women about their clothes is like
talking to them about their relatives - no possible good
can come from it.”
Will nodded, and I continued, “The second mistake you made
was buying her a bunch of stuff to eat at the movies on
the front end. If this was your first date with her you
had no idea as to how things would go. The best thing
would’ve been to take her into the theatre, see how things
progressed for an hour or so, and then make the decision
as to whether or not you want to blow fifteen or twenty
bucks on refreshments. If things go well, that’s great,
spend the dough with a big smile on your face. If they
don‘t, well, as soon as the movie is over tell her that
you think you’re starting to get an intestinal bug and
that you need to get her home really fast. Then, rush her
on home, say goodbye quickly and leave, and then stop off
at Nu-Way on your way back for a couple of tasty
all-the-way dogs.”
Will nodded respectfully at all that, then asked, “So Dad,
what you’re telling me is that dating women is sort of
like the stock market, that you shouldn’t invest until you
know more about the company‘s performance?”
I sagely replied as follows, “Son, I see it more like
this. Dating is sort of like a war, you don’t want to
oversupply the front until you’ve seen that you’ve made
some reasonable advances....”
Ed’s new book, “Rough As A Cob,“ can be ordered by calling
River City Publishing toll-free at: 877-408-7078. He’s
also a popular after dinner speaker, and his column runs
in a number of Alabama and Georgia publications. You can
contact him via email at: ed3@ed-williams.com, or through
his web site address at: www.ed-williams.com.
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