Last month, my wife gave birth. Luckily, the baby wasn’t in the lizard family because it would have been a brontosaurus. My sweet, little baby girl was a staggering 10 pounds, 11 ounces. As I stared into the nursery, eyeing all the other tiny, newborn boys and girls, my father’s heart welled with pride as I realized that my Amazonian daughter could easily beat up any of these little, scrawny babies. Unfortunately, my wife wouldn’t let her fight any of the other infants so we’ll never know for sure.

I guess the obstetrician that delivered our baby felt badly that my wife had been forced to deliver such a large baby because the next day he dropped by the hospital. He tried to comfort my wife by telling her that (I am not making this up.) "your body was made to deliver large children." Now, I have been known to say some stupid things to my wife, but not even on my stupidest day in the midst of a massive brain seizure, would I have ever contemplated telling her that her body was made to deliver large children. He might just as well have told her that her body was designed for hauling firewood and large buckets of water back to the cave.

I was surprised that an obstetrician, who had spent nearly half his life studying about women, could have made such a rookie mistake. Apparently, beneath the polished veneer of ten years of medical school, lurks a coarse, primal male frantically trying to break through the patina of gentility and say something incredibly stupid. In other words, he’s just like every other guy. Somehow, his blunder was strangely comforting.

As long as women keep having babies, guys are going to keep saying stupid things. Both actions are genetic imperatives. Guys who take the time to familiarize themselves with the following list will still say something stupid, but at least they’ll have to think of something original.

Top 15 Things NOT To Say During Childbirth
1. "Y’know, looking at her, you’d never guess that Demi Moore had a baby!"
2. "Gosh, you’re lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth."
3. "Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?"
4. "I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes."
5. "If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball."
6. "That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?"
7. "When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar."
8. "Let’s see if they’ll let us take one of these hospital gowns for you to wear around the house."
9. "You don’t need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment."
10. "This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy."
11. "Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?"
12. "Stop your swearing and just breathe."
13. "Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO   HOO. You’re not using the right words."
14. "Your stomach still looks like there’s another one in there."
15. "You don’t have the guts to pull that trigger."