The scene is a not-so-subtle reflection of what we have become in America during the days between Thanksgiving and Christmas. In particular, the day after Thanksgiving, which has become the busiest, biggest shopping day of the year. Sometimes I think the reason we are all able to wait so patiently for five hours while a 15-pound bird cooks is because we are all so busy occupying ourselves with the 80-pounds of circulars that come wrapped in our holiday newspapers.

This year, Mrs. P and I made the conscious, really dumb decision to join the Day After Thanksgiving Shopping veterans last week, and I will admit one thing to you: We ... were out ... of our ... league.

Sorry Mr. Store Manager, I know you'll miss my free flowing river of cash, but -- never again.

It is said that you have to try everything once. Well, we came, we tried, we conceded, which, coincidentally, does not appear to be the campaign slogan of the Al Gore people. We came, we tried, we appealed, yes. We came, we tried, we conceded, nope.

Mrs. P and I knew when we were beat. We were in line at a large electronics store at 7 a.m. Friday. We looked and looked and looked -- mainly at thousands of disgruntled shoppers, many of whom were under the mistaken impression that they were the only ones in the store on this particular day. There were so many people in all directions that I came perilously close to purchasing a man's backside for the ridiculously low price of $19.99. He had apparently bumped into a Scooby Doo video game and attached himself to the price tag. And somewhere, I swear I heard someone say that a set of 53-year-old twin sisters from Luckenbach were free with the purchase of any Elvis CD. It was very weird.

We got in line after about 20 minutes of shopping for music for teenage girls (otherwise known as utter personal confusion). We stood in line for one hour with the following items in our basket: 4 Compact Discs, 1 Video Game. Total Savings: $4. Thank you very much. Spending the Day After Thanksgiving trying to avoid accidentally touching other people's backsides and then standing in line for 1 hour for a $4 savings is NOT my idea of good time. Sorry. Some people live for this time of year. Some people really need to get lives.

We were in line next to a pro. The man -- who was by himself -- was in his second line of the day. He told us he had arrived at Toys R Us at 5 a.m., and was the 15th person in line. He waited in 30-degree weather for an hour. When the store opened, he shopped there for 45 minutes, then came to the electronics store and stood in line (BEHIND us, I'm happy to say). It was his second excruciatingly long line of the day, and it was only 7:30 a.m. Some people need intensive therapy.

We did not get off to a good holiday start with our impulsive, insane desire to shop with the big boys last Friday. In fact, with only 4 CDs, a video game, and an extra four bucks in our pockets, we had a looooong way to go before our seasonal shopping was complete. But we were really intent on getting a lot of it behind us that first weekend. To ensure this, Mrs. P made me breakfast Saturday morning, gave me a list, and showed me the front door. Unless it is for make-up or clothes for herself, Mrs. P is not much of a shopper. And that's fine with me. When I am sent out Christmas shopping with Mrs. P's approval, I don't feel like I'm sneaking around nearly as much as I usually do when I am spending money all by myself in the non- Christmas buying seasons.

So, I returned Saturday to the electronics store, after reading in its ad, "GET $20 OFF YOUR NEXT PURCHASE WHEN YOU BUY AN ITEM OF COMPUTER SOFTWARE FOR $129.99."

In my cart on this morning, I, in fact, had TWO items of computer software that totaled well above the $129.99 price the circular advertised.

You, of course, know what happened next. First, the friendly customer service professional who ran the cash register had never heard of the special. So she called three of her peers. They, too, were clueless.

"Where did you say you saw this?" the customer service professional asked.

"Well, it's in the newspaper. And, well, there's this big sign advertising it ON THE FRONT WINDOW OF YOUR STORE!"

She picked up the phone. Her conversation began like this: "There's a guy here who says ..."

That sounded a bit to me like she thought I didn't know what I was talking about. I immediately became resentful of her attitude.

She finally relented and called a manager, who would soon arrive to quickly dispute my right to claim $20 off my next purchase (like it would break them if they gave it to me anyway).

In the time it took for the manager to saunter over to the cash register, I had already read and re-read the ad and I knew exactly what he was going to say to me. But, I was up for a peaceful confrontation with someone in authority. And besides, there were people behind me in line watching and hoping I won. I was doing this for the good of the American shopping public. It was the principle of the matter now. If necessary, I would appeal to the Florida Supreme Court.

"I have $138 in computer software here," I pointed out. "More than is necessary for my $20 coupon."

"You have two items. The ad says 'An Item of Computer Software for $129.99.' One item. You have two items."

I countered with what could best be termed a measly, lame defense.

"Well, you're ad is really vague."

By then, I knew I had been beaten. I was already writing out my check.

It was then off to one more store, where I bought a gift for another one of our kids. It was a miraculously easy find, and there was no line. Life was good. I had made up for the computer software humiliation. My fragile psyche was returning to normal.

With package in hand, I walked quickly toward the door and passed through the electronic scanners. Suddenly, there were beeping noises and sirens everywhere. The doors locked and a pre-recorded female said, "Please step away from the door and return to the cash register. We have apparently failed to scan your purchase properly."

I thought it was a nice touch that the security system would give the benefit of the doubt to would-be shoplifters, taking responsibility for failing to scan properly (which, allow me to point out here, was EXACTLY what had happened to me EVEN THOUGH THAT DIDN'T STOP PEOPLE EVERYWHERE IN THE STORE FROM TURNING, STARING AND POINTING!!)

Unfortunately, as I made my way back to have my package scanned, there stood a married couple who were friends of mine. They looked at me, cocked their eyebrows and flashed me a couple of "Theft? You?" smirks as I hem-hawed my way back to the register.

I was able only to muster up what could best be described as a measly, lame line of defense.

"I .. am out ... of my ... league."

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