Allow me to quote from my daughter’s note:

“Yo Dad, wuzzup!? N*M*H, that’s 4sure! So what’s goin’ on in ur world? N*E*wayz, Kristen wants 2 know if I could go 2 da mall w/ her 2nite 4rm 6-8. I don’t need N*E $ just 2 walk around. Do u think I could borrow $15 2 buy me some shorts from Cold Gravy. I’m trying 2 save my $. Well, I gotta put da G with da O and GO!”

I’m no longer quite sure what to think of my teenage daughter. Or what
planet she is from. And I thought all along she was growing up so normally.

Apparently one of her electives in junior high is Indecipherable TeenSpeak 101. What’s more, the “Wuzzup” wasn’t even spelled “Wuzzup.” It was spelled “Wuz” then was followed by a little arrow that pointed up. So for all I know, she’s not asking “Wuzzup, Dad?” as in “What’s Up, Dad?” but instead she is asking, What’s little-arrow-up, dad?” If that’s the case, I don’t have a clue what she’s trying to say to me.

So I sat her down and talked to her.

“Wuzzup?” I asked.

“Nothing,” she said.

I wasn’t totally surprised at her response.

“Everything OK at school?”

“Phat, Dad.”

“How’s band going?”

“Tite.”

I’m not completely sure, but I’m pretty sure I had just been insulted. “Exactly what language are you speaking?”

“Duh, it’s English, Dad.”

“What is ‘fat?’ ” I asked.

“It’s not ‘fat. It’s phat.”

“We’re talking, it doesn’t matter how you spell it or that YOU spell it wrong. What does fat mean?”

“Phat means cool.”

“Oh. And tight?”

“It’s not tight. It’s tite.”

“Whatever! What’s it mean?”

“It means cool, too.”

“How can two words mean the same thing?”

“They’re, like, synonyms, Dad.”

“Synonyms? That’s an awfully old word for you to be using, isn’t it?” I asked my daughter to please sit down and write out a dictionary of the language she and others like her use in notes. (Like it or not, kids still write notes, probably when they should be, oh, studying maybe? But, before you’re too judgmental on your kid, make certain you didn’t do the same thing when you were her age.)

So my daughter comes back to me a couple days later and gives me the glossary I asked for. I’m thinkin’ these are words that will never be found on any English test I’ll ever see:

LYLAS = Luv ya like a sister. (when writing 2 girlz)

LYLAB = Luv ya like a brother. (when writing to guyz)

(Editorial comment from dad: No duh!)

w/ = with

da = the

T*T*Y*L = Talk to ya later.

(I guess my comment at this point is, why are there stars in between the
T*T*Y*L and not in between LYLAS and LYLAB? So I asked my kid: why no stars in “love ya like a sis” and “love ya like a bro”? You know what she tells me? She says, “I don’t know.”)

W*B*A*S*A*P = Write Back As Soon As Possible.

W*B*I*U*W = Write Back If You Want. (Oh great, a note that hints at low
self-esteem).

“Wuzzup” followed by an arrow down, an arrow up, and a circle with
arrows around it = What’s up and down and all around?

N*E*wayz = Anyway

CUL8r = See you later

W*B = Write back. (I think after W*B*A*S*A*P and W*B*I*U*W that a simple W*B is a little boring and unnecessary.)

4 ur (eyes) 2 c only = Four your eyes to see only. (Apparently this is used when something top secret occurs in junior high. For the life of me, I can’t think of what that might be).

As you can tell, it’s very complicated being a junior high student these days, especially if you wish to communicate successfully with anyone who speaks your particular brand of bizarre English. It was so much simpler when we were kids, wasn’t it? After absorbing this new language my teenage daughter introduced me to, I was compelled to write a response to the note she wrote me that I mentioned earlier.

Dear Daughter,

Thanx 4 ur note. Not sure what it all meanz. Am sorry I don’t speak N a language dat provides 4 az many opportunities 2 write in goofy junior hi language as u do.

O, by da wayz: You can not have $15 for more clothes. And if u want to go 2 da mall, you have 2 have a REEZON 4 going. Can’t let u go just to loy-ter.

Stay phat. B tite.
LYLAD,
Dad

SSS (sorry so sloppy)
LLL (longer letter later)

W*B*A*S*A*Y*D*B*M*B*Y*C*G*T*T*M*A *S*M*M  (Write back as soon as you’re done being mad because you can’t go to the mall and spend my money).

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