Pre-baby, my husband and I abided by the unwritten but understood rules of etiquette that prevented us from discussing the baser human bodily functions at the dinner table -- or anywhere else for that matter. It was only a medical emergency that would lift the ban and permit description and discussion of symptoms. Post-baby, all the rules have changed.

For instance, before I had my daughter I could never and would never have discussed my breasts and breastfeeding at the dinner table. Now, my husband and I are discussing it like pros. We talk about sore nipples, milk flow, leakage and toss around jargon like "latch-on" and "let-down". And like the earth mother I've become, I've even been known to whip one out and feed her right there. Seems she's always hungry when we are…

Like a jeweler, I can explore the 4 Cs of diapers in depth: content, color, consistency, and quantity (okay, so the last one wasn't a C but it works for alliterative purposes), not to mention aroma and frequency. Number of diapers changed in a day and remedies for rashes are also possibilities. And the word "stool" has also taken on a whole new significance. I have to refer to the foot stool for my rocker as a "step" or in full as a "foot stool" (it is too humble to qualify as an ottoman) lest there be any confusion -- although this has led to some rather hilarious misunderstandings.
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Related to the above are gastrointestinal disturbances, otherwise known as gas or farts in the vernacular. Babies are really tactless when it comes to passing gas. Discussion of gas is usually related to whether or not we have achieved a burp or, if we have, rating the burp (or, um, other) on a scale of 1 to 10. I think that she takes after her father in this particular area.

Mucus is another previously off-limits topic that is now perfectly acceptable. When our daughter developed a bit of congestion, suddenly we were examining the harvest and discussing the significance of the consistency and the color. Did she have an infection? A cold? An allergy? Or was it just a bit of run-of-the-mill snot? Inquiring minds want to know.

She hasn't yet had a serious illness but when she inevitably does we will no doubt be adding vomit to our repertoire. (This in one I am perfectly willing to postpone for a while) And I suppose at some point during her childhood (particularly during the teenage years), pus will come into the picture as well.

As you can see, the possibilities are endless…


Jennifer Ismail is a stay at home mom to her daughter Sarah and infant son Benjamin. She enjoys writing lighthearted essays from her personal experiences. Her work has appeared in the newspaper as well as on 20ishparents.com and babyuniversity.com. Email the author.