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Confessions of a Stay At Home Mom
By: Traci Vujicich

1:00 a.m. - Baby cries. Get up, feed her, change diaper. Five minutes later, change diaper again.

1:45 a.m. - Husband comes home from work. Get up to visit and review what bills have come in. There is a 4 cent error in the checkbook. Discuss at length.

2:30 a.m. - Go back to sleep while husband watches baby.

4:00 a.m. - Baby cries. Get up, feed her, change diaper.

6:00 a.m. - Baby cries. Get up, feed her, change diaper again. Make coffee and stare jealously at entire family as they sleep.

7:30 a.m. - After 10 minutes of arguing, make breakfast for 7 year old. Start dishwasher.

7:45 a.m. - Check e-mails to maintain contact with the real world.

8:00 a.m. - After threatening to make her leave in her nightgown if she doesn't hurry up, leave to take 7 year old to school.

9:20 a.m. - Return home. Turn on Martha Stewart and envy the fact that she has had a shower.

9:30 a.m. - Baby cries. Feed her, change diaper. Hold baby for 2 hours as she is awake and wants to play. Watch The View, and envy the fact that the women aren't wearing milk-stained sweats.

11:20 a.m. - Husband wakes up. Give him baby while I make his coffee and breakfast. We eat breakfast while staring at baby. I make a point of discussing something interesting from the newspaper so I don't lose my ability to have an adult conversation. It goes something like this, "So how about that Pope?"

12:30 p.m. - Leave baby with husband while I shower. Two minutes into it, he comes in and says, "The baby pooped." Spitting the shampoo out of my mouth I reply, "You know where the diaper changing table is." Three minutes later, he says, "I think she's hungry." I exit shower. I have one shaved leg. Feed baby, change diaper again.

2:00 p.m. - Husband leaves for work. I put screaming baby in car seat and run errands - cleaners, grocery store, bank. Pick up 7 year old from school.

3:30 p.m. - Return home. Take aspirin for cracking headache.

3:35 p.m. - Baby cries. Feed her, change diaper. Hold baby for 2 hours as she wants to play. Watch Oprah. Eat stale pretzels and envy the fact that she has a personal chef.

4:00 p.m. - Argue with daughter as she does her homework. "I can't DO it!"

5:00 p.m. - Begin to make dinner. Feed cats, who stare at me as if to say, "You are feeding me THIS?"

6:00 p.m. - Sit down to dinner. Eat one bite. Baby cries. Get up and feed her, change diaper. Eat cold dinner with one hand while holding baby with the other. <continued below>

6:30 p.m. - Attempt to do dishes. Does not happen as baby does not want to be alone.

7:30 p.m. - Baby falls asleep. Gingerly put her in bassinet and envy the fact that she is sleeping. Resume dishes.

8:00 p.m. - Argue with 7 year old as she takes her bath. "I don't WANT to wash my hair."

8:30 p.m. - 7 year old goes to sleep. Baby wakes up. Feed baby, change diaper. Stare at baby for 2 hours, wishing I could go to sleep.

10:30 p.m. - Baby goes to sleep. I do too.

10:35 p.m. - Phone rings. "May I speak with Monica?" AAAGGGHHH! "You have the wrong number."

Begin entire day again tomorrow.

Traci Vujicich is a 34 year old wife and mother. The main sources of her humor are her family; husband Danilo, and daughters Madison and Lea. She writes a weekly column in the Arizona Sun-Times, and has an e-column that she writes for her subscribers.