Forget school supplies, and lunch money, and even workbook fees, it’s the fundraiser that tugs at the purse strings of every tax-paying mom and dad. This is the time of year when anyone who knows a school-aged child goes into hiding to prevent having to purchase overpriced candy, wrapping paper, raffle tickets, magazines, and cheesy gift items.

The kids, of course, just love it. They are psyched into salesmanship like little Amway distributors, and are ready to hit the streets. I’ve had to explain how going door-to-door is dangerous and how I won’t allow it. Of course, my feelings on the subject only add me to the sales force. I must then drive the little capitalists to their intended victims, feeling more than a little embarrassed at the obvious begging. <continued below>

I watch while our relatives and friends decide which exciting item is worth the $10 they plan to flush down the tubes for my kids. I listen while my brother complains about the taxes he already pays to support the school system (his children are young--his time will come). I smile politely when the CPA next door calculates how each chocolate-covered morsel will cost one dollar. My children give their best sales pitch, and I feel like a prostitute for the public school system.

The worst part comes on "order deadline" day. My little salesmen tally up their sales points and compare it to the prize they anticipate winning. I talk them down from the grand prize mountain bike and Nintendo 64 ("We just don’t know that  many people, dear.") and, again, reach for my checkbook to ensure they receive some useless token for their expert salesmanship.

So, if you’re on my gift giving list this year, beware! I’ve got a candle, some stale candy, and a magazine subscription for you. Merry Christmas, Bon Voyage, and Happy Birthday!


Mitzi Bryant is an accountant and freelance writer as well as mom to her three children: Will, Kate and Anna. She was excited about the prospect of dating again, until she remembered she'd also been excited about the prospect of childbirth. Mitzi's adventures in dating continue.