How To Discipline Your Parents
By Caitlin Michele Newman, K.i.D. *

Let’s face it. Being a child is hard. Nothing prepares you for being a kid, probably the toughest and least appreciated role in our society. Those dreams you had before you were born, while swimming happily about in Mommy’s tummy, have nothing to do with the real world of parent-rearing.
Take the whole messy business of discipline. Your parents will tell you that you are supposed to listen to them, even if they act like lunatics and other normal adults have no respect for them whatsoever. But we children know that in today’s world, it is really the child who must discipline the parent. Because honestly, parents today are completely clueless about how to behave appropriately. I mean how can you compare those tantrums I have, where I make myself throw-up so that my parents feel sorry for me and buy me a present, to my Aunt Julie’s jail sentence for something called corporate malfeasance? Or my Daddy’s screaming crying fit after I didn’t get into a school that he told me was for spoiled kids who are not as smart as me?

Since the success of my first book, “Smart Babies, Stupid Parents,” written just two years ago when I was five, I have gotten so many e-mails and letters from desperate kids who want to know how to control their parent’s challenging behavior. In response to the questions, and as part of a two-book deal, I wrote my next bestselling book, “Whoever Wears the Diapers Rules.” And here I will tell you some of the things I tell kids in that book about making your parents behave:


Do Not Try to Be Your Parents’ Friend: Show Them Who is Boss (You Are)

Many children make the mistake of trying too hard to be a friend to their parents, instead of letting them know you are the boss of them. That does not mean you have to be mean and scream all the time. Gentle but firm limit-setting is what really works. Believe it or not, it actually makes parents feel better to have limitations so that they don’t feel so out-of-control all the time.
For instance, you should not let your parents drag you around to fancy restaurants at adult dinner hours when you would much rather be sitting in front of the t.v. watching SpongeBob. Why should you have to eat escarole instead of Chicken Nuggets? And for goodness sake don’t let your parents buy everything they want when they go to the store. There is no reason why Mommy needs another cashmere twin set, when she has way too many clothes at home as it is and nowhere to put anything. Mommy needs to know that when you start screaming and crying at the neighborhood Ann Taylor, it’s time to go and that’s that. One day she will understand that you did it for her own good and may actually thank you for being tough on her.

Time-Outs Don’t Work. Take Away Their Credit Cards.
You all know that time-outs are worthless. As soon as my parents put me in a time-out in my room, I start ranting and raving so much they usually wind up letting me out just so they don’t have to listen to my crying. This usually happens when they are watching t.v. programs that require a lot of concentration, like that “Six in the City” show or “The Milanos” (they say it’s not for kids even though it must be about cookies). Plus, if I’m in time-out too long I just start playing with my toys and can’t remember what I did wrong in the first place, so I just wind up being naughty again a few hours or minutes later, depending upon my mood.
So why would I give my parents a time-out for bad behavior? Clearly something that hits home is the answer. When my parents get so mad at me that they actually take away one of my bestest toys, that’s when I’m really upset and I swear to God that I will never be bad again. Now what is something that all parents really love and would die without? Credit cards! Well, I wouldn’t actually recommend cutting them up, as that could interfere with them buying you lots of good presents, like that new American Girl doll you want. But if you hide the cards and promise to return them when they act better towards you, then you can be pretty sure they will behave. I like to use this trick when my parents try to get me to wear a party dress that is way too babyish for me or when they try to impress their friends with my brilliance even though I am just your average precocious child who happens to be a published author. <continued below>
 

Threats Don’t Work (Exception: Threatening to Call Child Protective Services)
Empty threats are useless. You must follow-through with a consequence if you threaten it, or your parents will think they are the boss of you. So don’t make threats you can’t keep. If you say that if Mommy makes one more really long phone call to a friend you will draw smiley-faces all over the new living room carpet, you better well do it.

There is a Difference Between Discipline and Punishment
Discipline means never having to say you’re sorry; punishment means a lifetime of therapy bills and a parent who always feels like a naughty, worthless person. Be tough but don’t make your parents feel so bad that you have to apologize all the time and tell them you didn’t really mean it. If you give them too many punishments (like waking them up in the middle of the night because you just remembered the name of the new Disney movie that is coming out), they might never get over it and will forever blame you for causing them to have a miserable parenthood. Who can live with that guilt? It’s hard enough that I have to feel bad because they can’t sleep late on weekend mornings anymore or read the newspaper or go for brunch.

Don’t Negotiate – without a Lawyer (Note: lawyer can’t be one of your parents).
All parents negotiate with their kids (that means they try to talk them into or out of stuff by offering something else), but don’t get tricked. As soon as you let your parents negotiate with you, they think they can fool you into doing things you don’t want or giving them things they shouldn’t really have. This kind of thing usually happens when kids are tired and don’t have the energy to be firm with their parents. It’s better to get a lawyer to help you. That way your parents can’t take advantage of you. You can try saying something like this, for example: “If I say no, it means no. Oh, you will agree to read me five more chapters of ‘Harry Potter’ if I promise not to wake you up in the morning before the sun comes up? Hmm. I’m sorry, but I’ll have to consult my attorney first.”

Reward Good Behavior with Positive Reinforcement

Instead of always making your parents suffer for their bad behavior, it is sometimes more helpful to make them feel good when they do something right for a change. This makes them want to be good because they think they will get something out of it. Here are some things I’ve given my parents when they speak to me in a nice voice, stop using bad words, and quit complaining about their own problems: allowing Mommy or Daddy five minutes of uninterrupted time on the telephone to talk to another grown-up (but no more than five minutes, otherwise that would be spoiling them), going to bed on time, and cleaning my room after being asked only two or three times. You’d be surprised how much you can improve your relationship with your parents if you give them these little rewards. You want them to feel good about themselves so they can go out into the grown-up world and not care when other grown-ups are mean to them because they know they are loved and respected by their kids.

Let Your Parents Be Involved in some Decision-Making

Parents really appreciate it if you treat them like mature human beings. When you let your parents make a few decisions for the family, it gives them the confidence they need to be parents. Plus, at some point they need to take responsibility for their own actions. After all, one day you will grow up and fly the pig pen, and they will be on their own, forced to make decisions for themselves. You can offer to let your parent help decide things like meals and family trips. Try a few lines like this: “Well, Mommy, we can either go to Toys R Us or K-B Toys today. You choose,” or “Happy Meal or Kids’ Meal? Doesn’t matter much to me.”


How to Work Through Tantrums
All parents have tantrums at some point. The key is to know how to handle them. And the main thing to remember when your parent has a tantrum is to remain calm. If you start screaming and crying, there is no way that your mother can learn to regain control over her emotions. You have to try to calm your Mommy down by being really nice to her, which I know is really hard when she acts all crazy. Usually tantrums are just cries for attention, and you have to reassure your Mommy that you love her even if she has no idea what she is doing and is freaking you out by her behavior. But don’t give her what she wants just because she has a tantrum, or she will have one every time she is annoyed about something.
Tantrums are especially hard when you are in public places and your parent is completely embarrassing you, making you feel that you have no control over your own parent and that other kids are looking at you like you are a failure as a child. But you can bet that those other kids are just as weak and pathetic as you are at making their parents behave in public.

Spousal Rivalry
A certain amount of fighting among parents is normal, and just because your parents fight doesn’t mean they are going to get a divorce. You should probably let your parents fight without getting involved so that they learn to work things out between themselves, rather than relying on you to break things up. Of course, if the fighting gets too rough, you have to tell them to cut it out or you will call all their friends and tell on them. That usually shuts them up. It also helps to burst into tears and blame them for making you live in a house that will surely cause you to suffer all sorts of emotional problems and not get into the college of their choice. Remind your parents that you love both of them the same and that each of them has a special place in your heart, especially the one who buys you some really cool stuff.

Remember that disciplining parents doesn’t have to be painful and doesn’t have to make your parents feel bad about themselves. Once they understand that they need help controlling their strong emotions and their ego-centric behavior, your family life will be much more fun. And you will enjoy your role as a kid a lot more knowing you are raising respectful, happy, well-adjusted parents.


* The author’s adult personality is Pamela Weiler Grayson, a New York-based freelance writer.