So what is it about little boys? You know I have
nothing against them...used to be one. In fact, some would
say that I never really stopped being one. But the things
they DO...
I got my son up today at 0632. We have to leave the
house by, at the very latest, 0745 in order to put him on
school grounds before he gets one of those irritating
discrepancy notices that were obviously invented by Nazi
Telemarketers from Hade’s Uncleaned Toilet Bowl. (Not to
get TOO graphic.) Who thought these things up anyway? (The
discrepancy notices, I mean.) Here’s a sample. “This is to
inform you that your son______________(Insert Name Here)
is in receipt of this Tardy Slip for the following date/dates._____________(Insert
Date/Dates Here). Please be advised that it is the policy
of this administration that any student who is in receipt
of more than three of these slips in any one semester is
subject to disciplinary action to include a three day
suspension.” And that’s ANOTHER thing that kills me. A
THREE DAY SUSPENSION!!! THINK about that. The kid is late
for three days so their solution is to give him a three
day vacation. AT Y O U R EXPENSE. Isn’t that kind of like
saying “OK kid, you robbed the Seven Eleven so as a
punishment to fit the crime, take all the Slurpees that
you can fit into your father’s car. AND LET THAT BE A
LESSON TO YOU!!!”
Sorry. I’m regressing again. It happens often when I
get on a crusade about something. Anyway, I get him up at
0632, and I go back to bed, confident in the knowledge
that he knows why he is up in the first place. He HAS to
know (doesn’t he?). My wife and I have spent hours,
writing down his chores and posting them in places that we
are sure he’ll look when he gets up. Like his DOORKNOB for
crying out lout. He has to at least FEEL that one! Now to
the best of my knowledge there is not one chore on that
list that says “#1. Mess with dogs who have full bladders
by opening the outside door approximately 1/16th of an
inch so that nothing larger than a malnourished tsetse fly
could get out. #2. Watch in amusement as all three dogs
(in the throes of frustration) void themselves on the
living room floor. #3. Recoil in horror when Pop tells you
to clean up the aforementioned void.” And yet, when I got
up, fully one-half and hour later, that was the only thing
that he had accomplished. Needless to say he was ANGRY
WITH ME when I questioned him on this.
I don’t know. It could be me. Maybe I need to be more
understanding about the fact that when it comes to his
chores before and after school, he has all the enthusiasm
of an individual about to undergo neurosurgery under the
capable hands of attending surgeon Sponge Bob Squarepants.
But I can’t seem to bring myself to feel sorry for this
SAME misguided soul who goes into Red Alert Status when it
is announced that it is time to go to Chuck E. Cheese.
Anyway, thanks to my gentle prodding, we got to school
under the wire this time. Perhaps the School Curriculum
needs paring to the point where it includes “interesting
subjects” such as “Dog Tormenting 101". Of course there
would probably be a three day suspension if your child
voided himself on the only nice rug in the teachers
lounge.
