Hey Mom, where are my hockey skates? Hey Mom, have you seen my homework folder? Hey Mom, can I go to Elliott's house on Saturday?

I have figured out why old people lose their hearing: its because they want to. After raising children, they have used up their allotment of hearing for this lifetime. And they don't want to listen to anyone anymore about anything.
Hey Mom, where's the glue? Hey Mom, do I have to practice piano? Hey, Mom, can you see somebody's soul?

I have not had a complete thought in eleven years. Come to think of its probably been twelve. It started when I was pregnant: clearly it must have been the hormones at work. Somehow during pregnancy, your brain starts to short circuit in preparation for the coming events of the child raising years, including sleep deprivation and your child's vocabulary development. Much like nature prepares your body for labor and delivery; hormones now help your brain develop pause waves, which cause all coherent thoughts to immediately vaporize upon formation. In retrospect, its probably a good thing.

Hey Mom, what is a prism? Hey Mom, where's the milk? Hey Mom, did you get to ride the bus to school?

It all begins shortly after birth as we coo over our adorable little bundles. Operating under the delusion that our child is a superior genius, we mentally transform a belch into our child's first complete sentence at about 8 weeks. Before long, when the authoritative parenting books tell us they should be using ten words, were certain our child is beyond brilliant and is actually using 50 or 60 words. The reality is before long they really do know 300 words and they use them all - before you've had your first cup of coffee.

Hey Mom, where do babies come from? Hey Mom, how long till Christmas? Hey Mom, what's a square root?

When they are babies, the interruptions are natural the cry for I need food, I need a clean diaper, I need to be held. When they are toddlers, it is most often a matter of playing goalie as parent: catching them by the seat of the pants before they fall down the basement steps, grabbing their arm before they reach to pet the snarling dog, keeping them from walking into the street. But once they start talking the real interruptions flow freely and you may as well put away the books, magazines and newspapers as well as any hope of a coherent thought. You've just entered the Stream of Consciousness Zone of Parenting where every thought that enters your child's mind is verbalized the moment it hits the first brain cell. While your child's inner monologue will eventually develop, don't count on it anytime soon.

Hey Mom, the dog just threw up on the carpet. Hey Mom, can I have five dollars? Hey Mom, how long till I can learn how to drive?

Most of the time, you think you can outsmart this immutable law of nature. But as you learn, one way or another, it is simply not possible. Once you've read the same paragraph seventeen times, you know its over. If you are lucky, you might manage to read a caption in People Magazine in its entirety when they're in third grade. But for the most part, don't bother. You can read after they go to college.
Hey Mom, have you seen my saxophone? Hey Mom, where's Ecuador? Hey Mom, how come the milk smells funny?

Pretty soon, the lobes of your brain actually begin to shut down from lack of use. The lobes that remain functional now operate more like a strobe light. Your auditory nerve begins to shrivel and go limp like a long forgotten piece of celery. You fear that your ears might actually bleed if they tell you about that scene from the Star Wars again.
Hey Mom, did they have electricity when you were in school? Hey Mom, can I have some candy? Hey Mom, can we get a pet llama?

But there will come a day and time when you can no longer stand the interruptions, whether its from PMS, a bad day at work, or simply exasperation. The resonating sounds of your child's constant chatter threaten to reduce your ear canals hammer, anvil and stirrup into a tiny pile of dust. Years of verbal tap dancing on the acoustic nerve will at some point shrink your patience to zero and you will snap. And just when you think that you cant take it anymore, that's when. . .
Hey Mom. . .
WHAT??!!
I love you.



Denise Malloy is a columnist and mother of two very talkative boys.