You have a bumper sticker that says, "My child is a wannabe honor student."

Your TV remote is stuck on the Saturday morning cartoons.

You spend your wedding anniversary at a mouse's theme park.

You're nominated for Den Mother of the Year and your kids aren't even in scouts.

You have a T-shirt that says, "Moms need love too."

Your idea of a good stiff drink is "Slim Fast."

Your idea of fine dining is the Pizza Pit instead of a Happy Meal.

You hit your thumb with a hammer and can't say a swear word.

You've melted three training cups because the coffee mugs were all dirty. <continued below>

You go to PTA meetings just to get away from the kids.

You know the Dr. Suess ABC book from memory.

Your sofa crackles from of the candy wrappers under the cushions.

You'd like to have a nervous breakdown, but it isn't on your schedule.

You are saving Popsicle sticks to build Barbie furniture.

You find a quarter and you know one of the kids lost their lunch money.

The cockroaches have boycotted your kids' rooms.

Your life's goal is to be able to send them home to "someplace else."

You eat cold cereal because making oatmeal in a microwave takes too long.

All the back seat drivers in your life are in car seats.

Someone asks who you are and you say, "their mother."

You are asked for ID and don't have any except for the kids' shot records.

You take out a second mortgage to pay for the kids' dental braces.

You lock the bathroom door to keep the kids out.

You shop only at WalMart because they have carts for the kids to ride in.

Your family photo album is a twelve volume set.

You can stay up later than the kids at bedtime - most of the time.

You think chewing gum is a serious occupational hazard.

You don't have furniture - you have upholstered trampolines.

Your favorite thing in life is 30 minutes alone with Mr. Bubbles.

You introduce your husband as "daddy."

Your medicine cabinet contains syrup of ipecac, glow-in-the-dark band aids and M&M's.

You can't remember not having children. You're sure they were born before you were.

Sheila Moss is a free-lance humor columnist, mother of three, and grandmother. Although her kids are now grown, her mother's ring seems to be stuck and she can't get it off. Drawing on years of real-life experience, she suggests St. John's Wort and a minivan. Remember, one day they will be grown and you can get a good night's sleep and catch up on the laundry. In the meantime, visit Sheila's website for all the humor you can have until after dinner. Send envious hate mail to Email the author. Visit her site.