I just scheduled Brynn's two-year-old well-visit appointment with her pediatrician, and unlike well-visits of days gone by, this time I am prepped and ready to go. As a veteran mother of a two-year-old, I have witnessed firsthand the questions I will be asked, and unlike when Colin turned two, this time I am armed with answers other than Um, I dunno, and Do some parents really know that?

Excerpts from last years well-visit with Colin:

Dr: How have you been?

Me: Great, thanks (only answer I got right the whole visit).

Dr: So how many teeth does the little guy have?

Me: Um

Dr: Ill be needing a working history on each tooth.

Me: Seriously?

Dr: I need to know the precise month, day and time his fourth side incisor appeared.

Me: Whats an incisor?

Dr: Does he chew primarily on the right side or the left side of his mouth? If you were one of his teeth, which one would you be, and why?

Me: Er

Dr: You are his mother, right?

Me: (Looking bewildered as I consider the possibility there was a mix-up at the fertility clinic.) I think so. He has my teeth.

Dr: How many words is he saying?

Me: He says stuff.

Dr: Literally, he says the word, stuff? Oh, youre kidding. This isnt a joke, this is a test. If you wanted to feel like a competent parent at the end of this appointment, you should have hocked an advance copy of this exam and taught to the test.

Me: He says a handful of words.

Dr: One handful or two? You really arent doing well on this exam maam. Lets move on. How many bowel movements does he have a day?

Me: (Giggling like were long lost best friends who just shared a dirty joke.) Oh, lots of poop!

Dr: Why is he pooping so much? What are you feeding him? What time of day does he poop? What do you mean you don't know? According to No Child Left Behind you only have three chances to answer these questions correctly or were keeping your child.

Me: That's cool. Give me a call when he needs braces.



Sheri Granger is the mother of Irish twins, born eleven months apart. She's going to be more careful next time! Sheri is a former middle school teacher and phenomenal cook. Just last night she made Spaghetti O's WITH meatballs. Sheri rocks the microwave! Please check out her web site at www.myminivanisfasterthanyours.com.