Then I got the referral in my inbox, from another mom who’d signed on for her chance at stardom. Was she crazy? I mean we’re MOMS—by definition, that means at least one pregnancy, but between the two of us, we have nine kids. Due to that fact alone, the only underwear we should be allowed to wear are longjohns, without the trap door.

Since I had to know, I asked.

"Oh, I just wanted the free boxers. I won’t win the star thing", she laughed. <continued below>

Of course, she won’t, because I will. I actually signed up; and because I risked this 40-year-old body for a cute pair of boxer shorts, I will win. I’ve never won anything in my life, but this I will win. I can just see the commercial now. . .

(Total darkness, one small spotlight on one small face)

Me: Actually, I’m here because of my friend, Kellie, who likes boxer shorts. We women have a thing for boxers, you know, especially a nice cotton or flannel plaid. I got to thinking of them, and really couldn’t help myself. I never expected to have to do this. Could you have expected ANY woman to do this? None of us is going to get up here and actually admit that we like the white cotton, and secretly wear them. We’ve spent way too many years telling men we just love the Victoria’s Secret shoestring thongs they buy us. We can’t come out of the closet about our undies just yet!

(Voice mumbles from the darkness)

Me: You want me to WHAT? No, I think this is about as far as the spotlight needs to go. I mean, it’s a nice enough body, but doesn’t TV put on another 10 pounds? What woman can take an extra 10 pounds when we’re talking undies? Maybe if all those women in all of the other undie commercials had looked a little more like me, I’d feel more at home here, but NO!

(Another mumble from the darkness)

Me: What on earth possessed you to pick a woman anyway? Any man I know would be strutting around proudly displaying his body for the world to see, admire, envy, whatever. What sort of sadistic creatures do you have in your marketing department? Oh, I see, you have a male marketing department…<sigh>

(Mumble, mumble)

Me: Well, yes, I have on one of your products. I can step out for just a very few seconds, if I must, and if it will end this misery. However, it will be for just a very FEW seconds!

(Mumble)

Me: Ok, but first one question. Do you have one without a trap door?

Mitzi Bryant is an accountant and freelance writer as well as mom to her three children: Will, Kate and Anna. She was excited about the prospect of dating again, until she remembered she'd also been excited about the prospect of childbirth. Mitzi's adventures in dating continue.