Under It All
A week before
Valentine's Day my friend urged me to come to a lingerie
party she was hosting in her home.
"No way," I said." Shopping for
lingerie is in the same category as trying on bathing
suits or wearing underwear made from rubber bands. Let
me know when you're pushing air-tight plastic containers
"You've got to come, it will put some
romance into your life," she insisted. "Besides, you
might find something perfect for Valentine's Day."
The mere thought of lingerie on my
body made me cringe, but I couldn't resist the chance to
spend time with a group of people who I wouldn't have to
feed or take to the bathroom.
I showed up early to peruse the
merchandise. After scouring the table twice I realized
there weren't any garments I recognized.
"What's that?" I pointed to a pair of
panties with no backside.
"This is a thong," the presenter said.
"They are great because when you wear them you can't see
any panty lines under your clothes."
I stared in disbelief. After having
two kids, the only kind of thong I'd dare to wear
belonged on my feet. <continued below>
I moved down the table and carefully
lifted a red garment with black lace that looked like
two round dollies basted loosely together.
"That's from our 'Exotic Romance
collection'," the presenter said. "It's our biggest
"I'll take it!" I figured it was a
bargain since I could either wear it, put it under
knick-knacks in the living room, or use it as coasters.
"Wait until you see the teddies," my
I knew she meant the kind with snaps
that covers the middle third of my body, and not stuffed
bears, but I wasn't prepared for her to hand me a
garment that was the same size as a bathing suit for a
"I don't think that's my size."
"Sure it is," she insisted. "Try it
As I went into the bathroom I wondered
what would happen if I got hurt. What if it was so tight
it cut off the oxygen supply to my brain and I couldn't
call for help? What if no one noticed I was missing
until a guest wandered into the bathroom to try on a
chemise and garter set, and found me on the floor,
strangled by a teddy? But, when it was finally snapped
up, I knew everything would be OK as long as I didn't
try to stand upright or make any drastic moves, like
I quickly got dressed to rejoin the
party, but I knew there was no hope - I was trapped
inside the body of a mother.
The other guests arrived and I sat
down to watch the presentation. When it was over I
grabbed my purse and headed towards the door.
"Don't you want a special nightie for
Valentine's Day?" My friend winked.
"Sure," I said, " I need something
washable, preferably flannel, with pockets deep enough
to hold extra tissue and stuffed animals, a flashlight
so I can find my way down the hall without waking up my
toddler, and a holster on each hip to hold jugs of water
so I don't have to run up and down the stairs all
evening refilling sippy cups."
The other guests looked horrified.
And, as I thanked my friend and went out the door, I
thought I heard someone whisper, "Gee, I guess she
doesn't get out much, does she?"
Debbie Farmer is a nationally syndicated humor
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