"No way," I said." Shopping for lingerie is in the same category as trying on bathing suits or wearing underwear made from rubber bands. Let me know when you're pushing air-tight plastic containers again."

"You've got to come, it will put some romance into your life," she insisted. "Besides, you might find something perfect for Valentine's Day."

The mere thought of lingerie on my body made me cringe, but I couldn't resist the chance to spend time with a group of people who I wouldn't have to feed or take to the bathroom.

I showed up early to peruse the merchandise. After scouring the table twice I realized there weren't any garments I recognized.

"What's that?" I pointed to a pair of panties with no backside.

"This is a thong," the presenter said. "They are great because when you wear them you can't see any panty lines under your clothes."

I stared in disbelief. After having two kids, the only kind of thong I'd dare to wear belonged on my feet. <continued below>

I moved down the table and carefully lifted a red garment with black lace that looked like two round dollies basted loosely together.

"That's from our 'Exotic Romance collection'," the presenter said. "It's our biggest seller."

"I'll take it!" I figured it was a bargain since I could either wear it, put it under knick-knacks in the living room, or use it as coasters.

"Wait until you see the teddies," my friend said.

I knew she meant the kind with snaps that covers the middle third of my body, and not stuffed bears, but I wasn't prepared for her to hand me a garment that was the same size as a bathing suit for a Chihuahua.

"I don't think that's my size."

"Sure it is," she insisted. "Try it on."

As I went into the bathroom I wondered what would happen if I got hurt. What if it was so tight it cut off the oxygen supply to my brain and I couldn't call for help? What if no one noticed I was missing until a guest wandered into the bathroom to try on a chemise and garter set, and found me on the floor, strangled by a teddy? But, when it was finally snapped up, I knew everything would be OK as long as I didn't try to stand upright or make any drastic moves, like breathing.

I quickly got dressed to rejoin the party, but I knew there was no hope - I was trapped inside the body of a mother.

The other guests arrived and I sat down to watch the presentation. When it was over I grabbed my purse and headed towards the door.

"Don't you want a special nightie for Valentine's Day?" My friend winked.

"Sure," I said, " I need something washable, preferably flannel, with pockets deep enough to hold extra tissue and stuffed animals, a flashlight so I can find my way down the hall without waking up my toddler, and a holster on each hip to hold jugs of water so I don't have to run up and down the stairs all evening refilling sippy cups."

The other guests looked horrified. And, as I thanked my friend and went out the door, I thought I heard someone whisper, "Gee, I guess she doesn't get out much, does she?"

Debbie Farmer is a nationally syndicated humor columnist. You can sign up for her free mailing list or order a copy of her new e-book "The Best of Family Daze" from her website. Visit her site.