Wanna Lose Weight?
Try the Toddler's Diet
Moms have it tough
when it comes to staying in shape. When pregnant, we
watch our bodies balloon to unimaginable proportions.
Post delivery we're left with sagging mid-sections and
spreading hips. What's a mom to do?
We count calories, fat grams and keep
food diaries. TV advertisements entice us to drink
shakes, eat bars and pop pills to help us lose weight.
Some say cutting out carbohydrates is the key. They've
got it all wrong.
For the answers to weight management,
follow your toddler's diet.
– Orange juice and a bowl of corn flakes.
Take two bites of cereal and drink half the glass of
orange juice. Spend five minutes picking up the
remaining corn flakes and squishing them between your
fingers. When finished, wear your bowl like a hat.
– Remove the couch cushions and rummage for food. Eat
one button, a penny and chew on the pencil that you
Peanut butter and jelly sandwich, glass of milk and
small bunch of red grapes. Before eating anything, throw
a tantrum because you're not getting macaroni and
cheese. When you're calm again, drink three sips of milk
and eat a third of the sandwich. Then, open sandwich and
place it face down on the table. Rotate it a few times.
Choose one slice and stuff it into your milk glass.
Finish by sticking a grape in your ear.
– While outside, pick up a wad of gum from the sidewalk
and chew on it for a while. Find the dog's dish and eat
two pieces of dog food. <continued below>
– Steamed broccoli, mashed potatoes with gravy, roast
beef and chocolate ice cream for dessert. Show no
interest in anything on your plate. Instead, insist on
having a drink of milk from Dad's glass. Pretend to take
a drink, but spill most of it down your front. For the
next ten minutes, play with the food on your plate, but
don't eat any. Hold out until it's time for dessert. Eat
all of your ice cream and whine until you get more.
– Two slices of toast with strawberry jam and scrambled
eggs. Take two bites of toast, being careful to cover
face and clothes with as much jam as possible. Poke and
prod your eggs, eating only a small bite. Dump what food
remains on the floor.
– Eat four dinosaur-shaped fruit snacks. Suck on five
more. Spit them out and hide them under your bed.
Swallow a red Lego that you find by the book case.
Grilled cheese sandwiches and soup. Throw another
tantrum over not getting macaroni and cheese. Angrily
push soup away, sloshing most of it across the table.
Penitently nibble at sandwich. Insist that you're full.
Once away from the table, eat the fruit snacks from
under your bed.
– Work for twelve minutes to get a fuzzy lifesaver from
under the fridge. Eat it and the three crayon pieces
that you also find.
– Linguine with tomato sauce, garlic bread and canned
peaches. Drop utensils. Eat your peaches with your hands
(this may take a while). Alternate between ripping your
bread into small pieces and trying to get the linguine
in your mouth. When the pasta and sauce cover your
shirt, face, hair and the floor, you're finished.
Continue in like manner, refusing any
new foods offered, until you've reached your weight loss
Christie A. Hansen is a wife and mother of three young
children. Feeling that parents wanted to hear from
someone besides parenting "experts", in October of 1997
she began writing her self-syndicated column, "From the
Trenches." Christie's weekly columns give readers a
chance to laugh and reflect on ways to enjoy the
challenge of raising children. Read more of her work on
or Email the