Fourscore and a whole lotta years more than
that, mommies brought forth...children. Conceived while
making whoopee and born to the sounds of screaming and
cursing the fathers, these children are dedicated to the
pursuit of allowance raises, staying up past bed time, and
generally making a mess. It is to protect moms everywhere
not only from children, but also from those with which we
made whoopee, that we set these rights down herewith:
1. Moms retain all IQ points
they acquired before staying home to take care of rugrats.
We do not lose brain cells merely
because we have decided to stay home full time. Yes, it's
nuts to do something like that, but that is called
"screwing the pooch" and therefore has nothing to do with
being "one Fruit Loop shy of a bowl."
We require all citizens withhold
comments such as, "Oh, you don't work?"
We challenge any person, man or woman,
to do what we do and withstand what we withstand in a
24-hour period and not require oxygen transfusions or
Prozac afterward.
2. It is a God given right that
all moms shall have transportation.
It is considered cruel and unusual
punishment to not allow a dog out for exercise. Therefore,
it is also cruel and unusual punishment to not allow the
dog caretaker the same rights as stated. A house without a
car in the driveway might as well be a cage to a mother
with curtain climbers in her wake.
3. A day of rest is something
the Big Guy set down and moms are not excluded.
We are aware that those who work (for
wages) have the weekend to rest from their labors. This
however does not mean that we wait on them hand and foot
at that time. We who deal with spills, scrapes, splats,
screams and shrieks on an average of 14 hours a day should
not be required to make beer runs or find the remote for
the Barca-lounger infirm. <continued below>
4. Escape is not only
necessary--it is essential.
From time to time in order to keep what
sanity we possess, mothers must leave the house. Make
that...they must leave the house ALONE. This means the man
of the house must take care of his children. The term for
this is NOT babysitting. That would infer you are being
paid for a job we do gratis. It is our right to leave the
house and the children to the men, without them begging
for mercy, pleading for guidance, or threatening our lives
if we don't return in the time specified.
5. Appreciation is all the
payment we get so you had better come across.
Since we receive nothing tangible in the
way of compensation for our hard work, it would not only
be nice, but a good idea if you ever want to get lucky
after 10pm. Because of us, you work an eight hour job and
don't come home to make dinner, monitor homework, break up
fights, bathe kids or race them up the stairs to bed. We
provide this for you. You provide us with money for
groceries and an occasional hug...a foot massage would be
nice.
Gritting your teeth and watching a chick
flick with us wouldn't kill you either. Listening to our
day after we listen to yours is a gift beyond price. Kids
can help by merely not yelling, "He's touching me!" every
5 minutes.
We, the Moms of the world, in order to
retain our sanity in an increasingly bizarre world, do
hereby lay down these rights and fundamental freedoms
entitled to us. We do not ask or cajole or plead or bribe
with Mounds Almond bars for these rights, but proudly
paste them to your forehead—backwards--so you may see them
while brushing your teeth each morning. And we thank you.
Tami Coxen is currently being raised by two sons, one
husband and a dog in West Virginia. When she is not
hurling laundry or cruising grocery aisles for the perfect
porkchop, she can be found writing a weekly humor column
in her local paper. Email
the author.
