This insidious disease causes ordinarily intelligent men to gather in packs, grunt, pass gas and wear cheese on their heads. Some individuals develop delusions of becoming a talking lizard named Louie with amphibiphobia, repeatedly chanting "Bud-weis-er". The most disturbing cases incite some prideless wonders to strut around on national television, sporting team logos on their naked beer bellies.

Proof positive that God does indeed have a sense of humor, He blessed me with a husband and four adolescent males who all exhibit chronic, full-blown manifestations of this illness. Apparently, I am immune to this disease, which leads to speculation that its etiology must be hormonal rather than viral or genetic in nature. Likely the result of an abundance of testosterone, this may explain excessive facial hair on many females afflicted with this disorder. <continued below>

This theory would also account for the unusually strong smell of testosterone that permeates our home in the winter. Yes, testosterone most certainly does have an odor. It’s a combination of wet dog, sweaty socks, styling gel and Tommy Hilfiger cologne. (The latter two symptoms, almost exclusive to adolescent males, leave the victims with impaired ability to brush teeth regularly, and unable to perform daily functions without the aid of gel and cologne in heavy doses.)

In order to cope with my family’s compulsive fascination with large, sweaty men in spandex, I started a support group, Females Lacking Understanding of Football Fever (FLUFF). FLUFF members meet every Monday night to offer each other encouragement, hope and strategies for overcoming the challenges encountered during symptomatic phases of the disease.

There is no cure for the fever; however, there is hope for survival. For information on starting a FLUFF chapter in your area, contact our hotline at 1-800-555-FLUFF.