Sherwood and I celebrated our twelfth
wedding anniversary the other day. We managed to dump
`Rain and Ash off at our friends and snuck away for a
quiet brunch together. After devouring three plates each,
we finally signed the papers and agreed to renew our
contract. The only change to the original agreement was
with regards to my working conditions, (an addendum
promises me six mental health days off a year). Sherwood
feels that he has a great thing going and has no qualms
about keeping his side of the deal as is.
I often wonder how other couples mark the blessed day of
their nuptials. In the past, traditional anniversary gifts
were rather simple and sentimental. Today, there is a new
modern list. I was curious as to why someone would change
and rewrite the old, traditional gift ideas. After
studying the list the other night, it soon became clear to
me . . .
The traditional list states that the first year gift would
be paper. The modern states a clock. A CLOCK? What, are
they kidding? I crammed my brain to try to remember some
of the conflicts of our first year of marriage. Sherwood
would often get severely aggravated waiting for me to
emerge out of the postage stamp sized bathroom every
Sunday morning. He never made it in time for the offering
and our tithe was burning a hole in his wallet. (A NEW
Commodore 64 was calling his name). Which explains why
some genius invented a waterproof am/fm clock radio for
the shower. The perfect gift to keep peace in the home and
therefore give us a chance to achieve . . . <continued below>
The second year anniversary. The original gift idea was
cotton. The new, modern chart lists china. Why on earth
would a couple need new china after only two years of
marriage? I called a few of my girlfriends to get their
opinions and soon realized that some are inclined to throw
things during arguments. Several ladies mentioned that
they can no longer set a proper table because their formal
ware did not survive being airborne artillery. One wife
admitted to hurling a 'Royal Albert ~ Memory Lane' dessert
plate at her husband on their first wedding anniversary
dinner.
"Why did you pitch a plate at your dear husband?"
"We exchanged gifts after dinner. I was anticipating a
romantic keepsake and the clod gave me a waterproof
clock..."
Here are a few of the rest of the modern gift ideas and
why I think they are what they are:
THIRD
Crystal or Glass
See year two and use
your imagination.
FOURTH
Appliances
Four years of burnt
toast and dinners (He can only hope).
FIFTH
Silverware
Why go get a flathead
screwdriver when the wife's butter knives work so
well?
SIXTH
Wood
After using your wooden
spoons two years ago to mix paint, he finally replaces
them.
SEVENTH
Desk set
To use for
communicating through notes during your week long,
'I'm not speaking to you' fight.
EIGHTH
Linen or Lace
Realizing that you
weren't speaking to him because he did nothing to help
around the house for the last seven years, he attempts
to do the laundry. He shrank all your cotton table
cloths.
NINTH
Leather items
He wants to show you
that you've 'still got it' and buys you a tight,
leather miniskirt - in a size 4P. Use gift from year
seven to vent your repugnance.
TENTH
Diamond Jewelry
His fifteenth high
school reunion is this summer and he needs a visual
aid to prove his success (keep the receipt - you know
you can't afford it and must return it after the
reunion weekend).
ELEVENTH
Fashion Jewelry
Feeling bad about
returning the diamond tennis bracelet he bought you
last year, he buys you a cubic zirconia knock-off.
And then, we come to my big
year, twelve - PEARLS. After all the duplicate copies of
our renewal agreement were signed and sealed, I looked
with much anticipation at Sherwood. Returning from the
buffet table with a heaping plate of seafood, we both
grabbed our butter knifes and opened each steamed oyster.
Alas, it was not to be. The gift table lists furs or
textiles for year thirteen. I best call the SPCA next
February and put a Scottish Terrier on layaway.
