Funny articles on parenting, kids and marriage!

Call me what you will, but I just don’t get the hype about NASCAR and all that auto-racing nonsense: big, beefy, loud cars with too many bumper stickers roaring around and around and around (and around) in circles. With all due respect, only a man could find this challenging.

What I’d like to see is Mr. Loud-and-Speedy stop at the grocery store, post office, day-care, school, and Sears (check that pesky battery) before arriving at work on-time. Then jockeying for position in lunchtime traffic to fill the tank, return library books, drop off film, pick up a prescription, birthday card for Grandma, and, oh yes, lunch. Then finally, collecting children during rush hour, and attempting to NOT crash into any barriers while fishing under the seat for a lost toy, simultaneously rewinding the Barney tape (singing to fill in), and refereeing the fist fight erupting in the back seat over who, precisely, touched whom. Don’t forget to pick up milk and bread!

Frankly, racing in an expensive car with no requisite stops, and no children sounds like my idea of a vacation, never mind a "sport". They don’t even have to pump their own gas! But people somehow have enormous respect for these driving gurus. They travel large distances to watch the races. They plan weddings around them, and endure incredible hardships, mostly in the form of traffic, to congregate in support. <continued below>

I can’t even get anybody to open a door for me. And I’d have to saw off a major limb before they’d let me park close enough to Wal-Mart to be able to make it in and out without exceeding my "maximum aerobic capacity", considering how many kids I’m toting.

But it’s not just the racing fanatics. I think that we, as a society, are looking in the wrong direction. We don’t need to look toward these sponsor-created personalities for inspiration. Inspiration is everywhere. I don’t want to raise and love and nurture my children so that when they’re adults, they look to the media for their heroes. I don’t want them to think that "Well, the Peace Corps would be nice, but this driving in circles stuff – now THERE’S some glory!" And I don’t want my daughter to wear a tube top. Ever.

So, call me what you will. It’s probably a "mother thing". But I won’t sit and glorify those drivers while ignoring the crew. I won’t applaud speed over safety. And I won’t wear a hat made out of used Budweiser cans.

If I make you an apple pie, am I forgiven?

� Susan Kawa, 1999. Up-and-coming humor columnist, Susan Kawa is a part-time technical writer, full-time wife, and mother-of-two. She subscribes to the “hang on for dear life” parenting philosophy, and believes that if she can cast a rough moment in a humorous light, it buys her another day of sanity. She also believes that those feel-good writers who comment on the ecstasy of parenthood are really freaks who just don’t understand the gravity of the situation. She loves her children, Max (5), and Abby (3), boundlessly, but still wishes they’d stop pounding on the bathroom door. She also adores her husband, David, a man of infinite patience. If you like her work, she’d love the encouragement. Email the author. If you’d like to hire her as a columnist (for REAL money) then Woo Hoo, it’s *party* time!