A Chip on my Shoulder

A Chip on my Shoulder

The problem with junk food is NOT that no one can eat just one; it’s that the serving size is just ONE! How do they figure a miniature bag of chips feeds two?

I don’t know about you but MY appetite is a tad more robust than that.

And there’s something else I want to know. Who suggests the suggested retail price? Whoever he is, I wish he’d raise his standards. Call me irrational but when I buy a three-dollar bag of chips, I expect to find some munchies in it — not indisputable evidence that “some settling” occurred. Who are they kidding? That bag was never full! If they REALLY want to be accurate, the label should state, “some chips may appear.”

What are snack foods made of anyway? For research purposes only, I bought some chips at Pat & Jim’s and studied an ingredient list longer than a Michener novel.

One of the more mystifying substances was Disodium Guanylate. And that’s in “Lay” terms. I should call their toll-free number and suggest subtitles for us dimwits who flunked chemistry.

Furthermore, where might one find Dextrose? Is it derived from vegetables, minerals or Dolly the Sheep Clone? Partially hydrogenated soybean oil made its usual appearance, too. I say we consumers deserve better than that. If it’s not FULLY hydrogenated, we should get a discount.

The chips I devoured in the name of science also contained artificial colors like “Yellow 6” and “Red 40”. These are not to be confused with REAL colors like “maize” and “maroon”. Personally I’d like to see something in a fuchsia.

And, of course, the package listed everything you never wanted to know about nutritional value. Like I care about cholesterol when I’m in the throes of a binge??

“Check it out, Jane! I’m gobbling a year’s worth of fat grams here!!”

Most snack food companies now have a web site for dedicated munchers. There we can buy grossly overpriced apparel featuring their products in living color. That’s just what the world needs — more people wearing a chip on their shoulder.

For more of Corky Corcoran’s humor, see her weekly column in the Ft. Worth Star Telegram Online. Visit her site.

ParentingHumor Editor