When the Bread Machine Turns Nasty
I hear these contraptions are meant to make our lives easier, so I could hardly contain my excitement when I was handed a brand new breadmaker for Christmas.
My Mum gave it to me, she’s had one for ages and she told me that she wouldn’t know what to do without it.
After 5 months of it’s presence in my home let me tell you what I’d do without it — I would get in the car, go to the shop and buy myself a loaf of bread ready made in nice neat little all-sliced-up squares which required little effort for me to obtain except for putting on a bra and pair of shoes with my pajamas so I could leave the home in a semi-acceptable state.
THAT, my friends, is what I would do without a bread-making- monstrosity taking up half the counter space in my kitchen!
As it stands I have it, I can’t throw it out since if I do my mother will probably cry and inflict masses of guilt upon me during a phone call where she weeps of my lack of appreciation of all she does for me.
So, since she doesn’t have access to the Internet and even if she did she wouldn’t know what to do with it –I am her to tell you all that I HATE that machine.
Which might seem nasty except for the fact that it hates me in return!
I suppose my mother wouldn’t know what she would do without it because she doesn’t have a two-year-old who delights in pulling the bag of bread flour to pieces causing an explosion of white powder-like substance to fly all over the kitchen.
I suppose my mother wouldn’t know what she would do without it because she has had time to go shopping in the last 3 weeks and so isn’t fussed about waiting FOUR HOURS for an piece of bread (that does not include the cooling time!) since she is not starving anyway. And if it flops, no problem — she has a whole ‘nother 4 hours spare on the weekend with an empty nest and not much to do but relax and read a book.
I suppose it could be because getting an electric knife out to cut up a loaf off odd shaped bread is not an exercise which requires extreme caution in her home for fear of killing your child by accident.
Perhaps it is because she can actually use the grill to toast that odd shaped bread without little fingers trying to see if Mummy really means it when she says “HOT, don’t touch”.
‘Cause even if you do manage to scrape together enough of the remaining flour and get a loaf that doesn’t flop, don’t eat something else mid-cooking cycle, pass the electric knife ordeal without killing or maiming anyone in your family — you sure as heck can’t fit one of those sucker slices of bread in the toaster!
Anyone want to buy a bread machine? It’s going cheap!
Copyright 2001 Kylie Ardill